Mark Twain Never Saw This!

      5:30 AM. Really early for me. I awoke to get ready for work. Since my cardiac bypass surgery I have to be careful not to stand or move quickly after sleeping, primarily due to the medication I take. So, I slowly walked into the dimly lit bathroom sitting on the toilet to urinate. In sitting, I won't run the risk of passing out.

      You know it's damn dark at 5:30 AM, especially when you're tired and half asleep. So I'm just getting used to the cold of the seat when  Wham! I get hit in the ass! Wham! It happens again! What the hell is going on?! By the third strike I gather my senses enough to literally leap off the toilet! On go the lights. What the hell hit me? I look in the clear toilet water. There in the shiney bowl is a black frog with white spots! Am I seeing things?

      I start to go after it but by now my wife has heard my scream of terror and is standing next to me. "What's the matter with you?" "I just got slapped three times in the ass by a damn frog!" "No way!" I'm still trying to grab the thing when she pulls on my arm; "Leave it alone-he didn't hurt you!" Didn't hurt me?! My heart is racing, sweat is beading on my forehead and I thought something in the toilet was after my gonads!

      Before I could catch it she was back in the bathroom with an aquarium net fishing the frog from the toilet. "He's cute!" Out the door she goes into the woods behind our house. When she returns I've calmed down sufficiently to regain my senses. "You are always so over reactive!" she tells me. I reply, "Yea, well you just wait. I'll put something in the commode when you least expect it that will jump up and bite you on the ass!"

      We have a septic tank system. I had heard stories about frogs, snakes and other reptilian or amphibious creatures meandering their way, in true Shawshank Redemption fashion, through the septic tank lines making an appearance in your toilet. But I always thought they were just tales. Not so my friend. I am here to tell you I got smacked three times on my buttocks at 5:30 AM while trying to pee on a cold commode! Look before you sit!

      As I enjoy sharing stories with folks, when I arrived at the ER this day I told not a few nurses and other people. And as I am fairly good-natured, I can take what I dish out. So, I was the butt of many a joke that day, even to the point of an artist amongst the RN's drawing me, the toilet and frog on a whiteboard! I thought my surprise amphibious encounters were over. Not a chance!

      Several weeks later while standing during the day in the kitchen my wife tells me, "Don't turn around." Why do people say that? Of course you're going to turn around. Well I did and there next to the sink was that damn frog! He is black with white spots, not a frog I have ever seen in this part of South Carolina. So, I am convinced it is him. I lunge toward him hoping at last to terminate his existence after nearly doing the same to me. Again, my tree-hugging wife moves defensively to guard him. Again she takes him out in the woods. Some 3-4 weeks go by and Carl, our new cat (who looks and acts like Garfield) is noted chasing something on the porch knocking over all the plants. We discover Mr. Ebony & Ivory Ribbit is hopping about with Carl trying to nab him. Carl succeeds and I am cheering him on (something I don't usually do with cats). My lovely wife goes after Carl, removing the frog from his mouth and again, for the third time, takes him into the woods.

      The good news is I have not seen Mr. Ebony & Ivory since that time. My family, though, is doing its level best to maintain this as a running joke about me. My youngest brother, unbeknownst to me, mailed my wife a large package about a week prior to this past Christmas. She wouldn't say what was in it. Working nights the week of Christmas, I awoke late Christmas Eve night to ready myself for work. I sleepily walk into my bathroom, turn on the lights and the whole damn place is filled with frogs! Thankfully, these are the artificial variety. But there on my toilet seat is a big green frog smiling and staring at me. Frogs are everywhere, in the shower, on the counter and even near the various potted plants. Sitting amongst all this is a porcelain framed Christmas photograph of my brother and his wife; the frame has a frog theme, the frog seemingly holding an umbrella over them!

      Just to remind myself of the vicissitudes and unpredictability of life, most of which turns out to be either interesting, funny or both I take the Green Frog with me when I go to the ER. He sits near my computer monitoring, staring and smiling just like Mr. Ebony and Ivory!

Dr. Dennis